Tuesday, November 23, 2010 | By: bunny love

I used to have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)





People always used to tell me that I have unusual habits. Saye xpnah rase that it’s a problem or it was something medically wrong with me sampailah saye disahkan with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder back then in 2003. That was when I was 13 years old. Slame 13 tahun saya xpnah terfikir that it was a symptom. I just assumed I was nuts. Yep people, NUTS. 

Keluarga saye, kwn2 saye, they always get pissed at me sebabnye sya slalu triple check wether the fridge is closed or not, and sinki dah ttup and many more. But eventually things got worse when I started middle school in ISP. Saye start to develop even more weird habits mcm bau rmbut saye stiap masa to make sure what it smells like. Pernah satu mlm saye xdpt tido sbb i kept sniffing my hair to make sure what it smells like. Disbbkan bnde ni jgk I became paranoid with myself dan sering meng-asingkan diri. Sounds crazy? Yes I know peeps. I always tried to keep myself from being that way but I couldn’t stop. 

It got to the point where I told my mum. Mak saye plak masa tu pun xde rase ape2 yang pelik cume she thinks im just being paranoid. My parents then sent me to the adolescent psychiatric ward at the hospital for treatment, which is in fact really scary. It made me feel like a freak.. Masa tu lah br sye tau yg saye mengalami OCD. I didn’t know what it was and I’ve never heard of it. Doktor ckp sya mengalami neurological disorder where my brain xdpt nk send messages properly menyebabkan compulsion- excessive hand-washing, obsessive fears (terutamanye pade germs and bacterias), terlalu obses dgn exercising dan selalu nk bersihkan bilik sume dan yg paling teruk repetitive checking (selalu nk check anything).

At first saye kne jmpe a psychologist stiap minggu utk blaja relaxation techniques dan mcm mana nk resist the urges. Stiap kali saye teringin nk check sumthing, I had to learn to shut down the urges. The first few weeks was hell. None of it worked and I was frustrated. Baru bangun tido, klau bleh sume bnde nk check, so it took me ages to get ready to go to school. Saye akn bgtau diri saye yg sye xnk tgk pun what colour the back of my wardrobe was tapi sye tetap xdpt resist dan saye perlu check almari saye three to four times brulah dpt pg skolah dgn tnang. I ripped the tags off three pieces of clothing in frustration because my mind was forcing me to check the washing instructions, OVER AND OVER. Arghhhhhh!!!! Lastly I tossed the tags in the bin, but then I had to check what colour the bin was inside!!

When im at school I get so tired and frustrated because I kept picturing my house and what exactly it looks like and what colour it was and when I couldn’t remember or know what it is I get this huge urge feeling n got tired easily. My face was always pale due to the lack eating and drinking because I was too frustrated. I kept crying in the toilet because I couldn’t handle it anymore.

Sye rase lebih slamt kt rmah, but that didn’t mean the urges stopped. Satu mlm tu sye terpakse bgn dr katil a million times hanye semate2 nk check what colour highlights Avril lavigne had in her hair on the magazine on my table! Last2 saye koyakkan magazine tu because I was sick of it! These symptoms kept growing inside of me and I was constantly tired and was always sick.. Sometimes, mum would hear me and come  to see if I was okay. Saye slalu ckp im allrite mum, don’t worry im going to go n get some water, tpi bile dh ade kt dapur, “ ok so how far is this kitchen table from the cupboard door, ok wite paint there, green paint over here”. I knew I had to sleep but I couldn’t bring myself to shut down the thoughts sigh..

My parents, family, my friends back in ISP have been really understanding and they helped me fight back the demon in me. Diorg xpnah ckp saye pelik atau giler and kept motivating me to change myself. I would be so lost without them and I am now recovering more and more. Kwn2 sye kt sini mungkin xrmai yg tau my disorder only some of the closest knew of my problem because I’ve recovered a lot dan x mcm dlu sgt. I still have my obsessions such as over-exercising and obsessed with cleaning my room, but the silly little things I’ve long since thrown away the habits. I am now much happier with myself, thanks to my family and friends. I love u guys to bits :)

6 sick bunny gossip:

zaaid (tuulang) said...

:(

btw janganla risau, atleast kau still ada classmate kau kan? aku camni gak, kene buat byk kali baru assure tapi aku bole control2 lagi ..

nurul iman said...

yeke?? kau cmni jgk??
xtau plak aku..clasmate aku mana ade yg tau.

Aaina... said...

wuyoo! must be hard to handle things huh? how is it now? can it be cured?

nurul iman said...

it can be cured tp lambt lah. skrg pun sye dh sembuh skit. dh x cam dulu so its ok i guess..:)

Ezzat said...

by da way, sume org ade bnde cmnie kot...tp kalo smpai nk bgn mlm2 tu mmg i xpernah...tp kalo cam "how far is this kitchen table from the cupboard door, ok wite paint there, green paint over here" tu i prnah....ambik measure tape ukur...hahaha

nurul iman said...

haha typical la u ezzat.. kite byk bnde sama kot haha

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